Some of us may realize this already, and for some of us, this may come as a shock: “you won’t win anyone over by your ranting”.  We can get so caught up in focusing on the little things, that we miss the bigger picture.  The Sadducees and Pharisees in the Bible did this. They were busy debating over the Sabbath day and technicalities, all while Jesus was getting ready to die on the cross.

There’s no point in getting into arguments that divide the camp.  Jesus embraced sinners, and He was our perfect example on earth.  The devil doesn’t have to destroy us, he just has to distract us.  Distract us with small details, with nitpicking, with our wounded feelings, with being overly obsessed with people’s flaws.

Sound like something you might struggle with occasionally with friends and family?  If you do, you probably struggle with these things at home too. Except at home your kids and your spouse are forced to put up with a whole lot more than a small, judgmental look or a passive-aggressive smile.  Often times, those closest to us get the full attack of what’s going on inside our minds and our hearts.

What Kind of Bomb Are You?

Are you a sensitivity-detonated loud bomb that blows up on every occasion?  Are you constantly leaving behind casualties and messes to clean up?  Do you tend to have a trail of past friends or acquaintances who if you ran into them, it would be all kinds of awkward, because maybe you exploded and feel embarrassed?

Or are you more of a ticking time bomb?  A “stuffer”, really.  Someone who constantly stuffs real and perceived offenses year after year?  Never addressing issues, never letting on that there is a problem…until KA-BOOM!  Years and years and years of pent up hurt explode on unsuspecting bystanders?

Offense is a problem. Offense with others. Offense with God. It will paralyze you. It restricts where you will go. It will dictate who you do and don’t want to see.

Pretending I’m Fine to Prove That I’m Right

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” - James 3:17.

Ever wait for the day where you can get some justice? You act like all is well until you can finally prove you were right in a situation? Have you ever had the compulsion to say “I told you so”?

If I catch myself pretending everything is fine or getting caught up in elaborate thoughts to build my case, I know I’m processing my hurt in the wrong way.

If someone says something or does something that hurts me, what is the Godly response?

1) Is it to pretend that everything is fine so I can keep the peace?

2) Or is it to confront the person to prove how wrong she is?

The answer is:  Neither.

Productive conflict gains trust.  The right way to handle hurt and conflict is by approaching the situation with soul integrity - responding in a way that’s not only honest but peacemaking.

Again, James 3:17 says, “But the wisdom that comes from the heaven is first of all pure (honest); then peace-loving…”

Real Honesty

Not all honest expression of my feelings are real honesty. You see, my honest feelings may not be truthful assessments of the situation. I can be “honest” with how I feel and still exaggerate or misinterpret what is true.  I can feel justified in being blatant about my feelings, having zero discretion, all under the guise of ‘being honest enough not to stuff.’  This isn’t true honesty at all. It’s just emotional spewing.

It must grieve God to see plastic versions of peacemaking that aren’t reined in by honesty. That’s what we do when we stuff and pretend everything is okay. The upside of stuffing is that we have the semblance of peacemakers. But when we do so at the expense of honesty we harbor a corrosive bitterness that will eventually emerge.

This bitterness will erode our health and later pretend itself in a host of emotional and physical anxiety-induced illnesses.  Like I mentioned before, it can also accumulate over time and surprise everyone when the ‘peacemaker’ eventually erupts.

Saying “I’m fine” to keep the peace, when we’re really not fine, isn’t honest.  Sometimes dishonesty comes in the form of saying things that aren’t true. But it’s also dishonest when we fail to say things that are true.

“It may seem Godly in the moment, but it’s false godliness. Truth and godliness always walk hand in hand. The minute we divorce one from the other, we stray from soul integrity and give a foothold to the instability that inevitably leads to coming unglued”.  -Lysa TerKeurst

That’s why we need peacemaking honesty - honesty reined in by the Holy Spirit. If I’m going to have authentic soul integrity and real honesty, I have to ask the Holy Spirit to show me real truth.

Discernment & Forgiveness

I need to see things from the other person’s perspective. Sometimes, I need to ask questions of that person with the desire to better understand instead of using their answers to further your accusation.  I need to really put myself in their shoes.  And I need to pray about it.  Because I need to walk away with peace inside…not just “letting it go” without a real resolution, but letting go enough to be okay with the other person being blessed.

“Walk in love, as Christ also has loved us.” - Ephesians 5:2.

Walking in love and forgiveness is difficult on several fronts:

• It goes against your carnal nature.
  

• There’s a chance others may never know you forgave the offense.
  

• Your heart could break as you watch God bless the offender in answer to your prayers, as if they’d never ever sinned against you in the first place.
  

The Bible says Jobs’s suffering ended and his prosperity was restored once he was able to pray for those who’d become a thorn in his side (see Job 42).

When you pray this way, you put into practice the words of Jesus in His famous Sermon on the mount:

“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that you may be the children of your Father which is in heaven.” – Matthew 5:44-45.

This still may seem so hard to do…loving, blessing, and truly forgiving those who hurt you, but look at what Psalm 51:4 has to say:

“For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.  Against you, you only, have I sinned.”

God knows ALL of your sins, and yet, look at his promise in Isaiah 43:25:

“I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”

When you consider that God knows your every fault and downfall, yet promises to keep it a closely guarded secret it should:

1. Increase your sense of humility and gratitude.
   

2. Cause you to keep your mouth shut.
   

3. Make you refuse to hold anybody else’s sins and shortcomings over their head.
   

Soul Integrity = Honesty that is peacemaking and leads to Godliness.

Pastor Sonny